nEenERZz's Xanga

My heart still hurts...

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 22:57:20 GMT

Feelings that I've locked up in the back of my mind somehow always find its way back to haunt me in my sleep. I lied restless in bed last night, thinking of what we had, what we didn't have, and what we could've had. I don't blame you for what happened between us. It was entirely my fault.

In the beginning, I thought you were a game, that you weren't real, and I wouldn't actually like you. In the end though, I did. You're an amazing person, and I totally fell for you. I was able to be myself with you. I could joke with you, laugh with you, and didn't have to hide anything. I felt so comfortable around you. Your laugh was infectious, and made my days go by happier. You made me feel secure, inspired me to love life, and know there were better things in this world than Dior shoes and Chanel purses. Most importantly, you made me realize being me was okay too.

It's been 5 years, and as happy as I am to have the opportunity to know you again, what happened between us then still lingers in my mind. Quite honestly, I don't want to disappoint you again. I know I betrayed your trust, and you could never trust me to be honest with you again. Thus, I think it's best if we end things here...

...미안해.

The Nice Guy's Burden

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 23:07:59 GMT

In love... with a new song.

mood:
spinning: Lost Without You - Robin Thicke

Daily Ramblings

I guess I owe everyone a REAL entry... it's been a while.

It's kind of, and I repeat KIND OF, refreshing that even after leaving the "scene" for a long time now, I still get stalked by stupid girls who don't have the audacity to just ask me what's going on in my life. Yes, the alternative has been stalking me on Facebook and MySpace. I sign into my MySpace account and receive 4 messages from 3 girls I don't even know. What the fuck?! Are people seriously so bored with their own lives that they would just stalk other girls... yes, thanks for Googling me, bitch. Seriously... stalking is the utmost, highest form of flattery to me.

ANYWAY---some weird chiq somehow thought I was seeing "her man". Umm, yeah... usually when you call someone your "man", wouldn't you think you'd have to be their girlfriend first? I am so confused right now. Well, if you think we're a couple, and you're sending me immature messages about it, I might as well just make your nightmare come true. For your sake, I am in a relationship with a mystery man... your "man"?

The Nice Guy's Burden

What, exactly, is a Nice Guy? I'm not exactly sure I could tell you. There's no occupation or glaring trait that screams to the world, "I'm nice!" Quite to the contrary: it's the lack of flashy showiness that is an integral part of being a Nice Guy.

Think back to the last time you were depressed. Think back on whom all you talked to. Think of the guy who you bitched to about your problems and your life. Think of who gave you a shoulder to cry on, a story of reassurance, a sounding board to bounce scenarios off of. If he listened well, heard you out, and gave sound advice back - especially if he focused on your specific situation, not something from his life or vague, general platitudes - then he was probably a Nice Guy.

Being a Nice Guy is more an ideology than any action alone can encompass. It's hard to explain. Nice Guys are into chivalry. Nice Guys offer their bus seats to elderly and disabled passengers. Nice Guys talk emotions. Nice Guys value genuine friendliness over vapid flirtiness. Nice Guys have compassion. Nice Guys value honesty, even when it hurts them. Nice Guys have integrity. Nice Guys are there when you need them, but aren't in the way when you don't. Nice Guys work and play well with others. Nice Guys don't hit on chicks. Nice Guys don't call women 'chicks'. Nice Guys listen when you need to talk to someone. Nice Guys are amiable when you want someone to talk back. Nice Guys are, to the best of their abilities, fair, giving, open, and helpful. In a nutshell: Nice Guys are - well, nice. I don't know how else to put it.

Excerpt from: http://www.antwon.com/broodings/brood01.html

I was browsing my subscriptions pages for stuff to read, and came upon a quiz called "Could You Ever Date a Nice Guy?

The results: No offense, but you have no intention of being with a nice guy. The reason you attract hurtful guys... is because you are a hurtful girl. Any truly nice guy should stay away from you because you would just chew them up and spit them out. The good news is, you wouldn't know a nice guy if he fell into your lap. Which is fine because you would only use and abuse him... then dump him for being weak. Stick to the jerks... just remember, hurt them before they hurt you.

How insulting... ugh! I sincerely believe that I've reached the point in my life where I am no longer interested in chasing assholes... no matter how amazing the sex is. Honest to God, every relationship I ever had was with an asshole--to some degree--and I hated it. It was just too much, and perhaps that's why I've been single for two years... all of my anger, hurt, sadness, and hate has built up inside me, and it has made me so bitter that I no longer want to leap anymore. It does hurt to feel this way, but then the memories all come back---their spontaneous emotional outbursts, the hitting, screaming, my bitching and nagging, the intrusion into my space, putting down my feelings, and... more importantly, the lack of respect I had for myself by staying in the relationship because I failed to realize that I was the only one that wanted to "work things out".

Then one question comes to mind, had I played "the game" would it have worked out? Or was I just the pushover in the relationship, and everything that happened was really because I was just too giving, too caring and loving. But was it really so wrong of me to do so much for him even though he never gave anything back in return? And my answer would be no. When I fall for someone, their happiness is mine, and I would do things just to see them happy... without anything in return...

Anyway... I'll update later...

What I Want For Christmas...

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 13:09:15 GMT

If this is you, 67.167.232.122, you are fucking creeping me out.

Anyway... Merry Christmas from Rome.

*hugs

Why do so many girls fall for assholes?

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 16:31:20 GMT

This guy I work with... he's... nice.

It's kind of... weird, but it's refreshing... he's a sweetheart.

*sigh I need to find myself a nice guy... I'm tired of chasing assholes.

Anyway, the "nice guy" got me into watching Entourage, and now I'm spending my time catching up on all the previous seasons.

Ari Gold... is absolutely the type of guy I fall for...

brilliant
ambitious
conniving
anal
blunt
sarcastic
alpha-asshole-male

Actually... Ari Gold is a like a cracked out version of the last guy I was chasing, and all of my exes combined...

Example: One of my exes who was a Ford model sent me nude pictures of himself to my phone after we broke up for the second time.
Subject line: Look at what you just threw away, bitch...

Good God... I need to stop dating douchebags.

p'z

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:54:30 GMT

Mood: @ work
Spinning: Pitbull - Secret Admirer

My annual update:

What has happened since I last blogged in this piece of shit?

I finally got my ass to pay $25 to get back my Xanga Premium. Boy, do I miss blogging. I almost forgot how much fun it was... work is consuming my life... and I am just soooo off beat in my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I went to church for the first time in eons, and found myself in tears after singing some praises... goodness... deep down inside, my heart wants to believe the truth that JC brought to this world, but my MIND and REALITY tell me that... it's all BS. *sigh Whatever... I don't know... perhaps if I ran towards the Church, I would find an inner peace I haven't had in a long time...

Now that I've gotten older, life has changed tremendously from the once drama fun-filled and carefree lifestyle. I am now: a broke ass 23 year old with a mediocre job that eats too much in the most depressing city in America. Haha, okay... my life isn't THAT awful, but I can attest that it is very much different from what it used to be.

The past year has truly been both a blessing and tough spoonful of medicine to swallow. Family life has gotten complicated. The relationship between my father and I has come to the point where I can't talk about anything meaningful in my life to him because he would just come back at me with a "...well Buddha said..." blah blah blah. Everything is so religious with him, it drives me insane. I love my daddy so much, but sometimes his overly zealous religious behavior worries me. I mean, wouldn't it worry you too if your own daddy thought that he could separate his soul from his body and have like... meet ups with strangers who could do the same in foreign countries? *sigh I guess I should be happy for him--religion gives him emotional bliss. I know how much of a burden I've been on him emotionally, and it's only natural for him to worry about me, but fuck... I'm old damnit.

Anyway, I am still shopping, nonetheless... the part of me that hasn't changed. Here are some items I picked up for this Fall:

Chanel Timeless Clutch - Black Caviar - $1025

Dior Ballerina Flats in Brown Croc - $495

Dior Darling Jacket with Fur Trim - TOO MUCH

Friday, March 09, 2007

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 08:02:24 GMT

First day back at home in BKK, and I do not have the energy or the mood to do ANYTHING.

The minute I stepped off the plane, a heat wave slapped me so hard I almost stopped breathing. The new airport is so... industrial looking, and sorry to say---it looks like a freakin' space cadet center you'd see outta the Jetson's or something. Did I mention, the new airport is also in the middle of fucking NOWHERE Bangkok? I swear... wtf was that stupid, money-grubbing, ego-centric piece of shit thinking when he proposed this? Motherfucker.

So I walk into my place at 2am this morning, and everything was just so fucking dusty and dirty that I had to revert to Plan B--go to daddy's house. I rang the doorbell to my house, and some new kids were screaming and yelling at me to go away. Like... umm I fucking live here. It took about 30 minutes of screaming and yelling in 3 languages to get someone that knew me to come out. Fucking aye. WHY do I feel like my old self is slowly coming back? I don't want to be a bitch... I did so well living in Seattle for the past two years. I'm so nice... girl scouts honor.

My dad's housekeeper and old nanny, Pa Wieng, called me fat and asked me what I was eating in America.

translated from Thai---

pa wieng: honey, you're so fat... you look like you gained 20 kg
me: i gained 30 kg
pa wieng: oh my god, what are they feeding you? stop eating honey.
me: i like food ni ka
pa wieng: my neice goes to a gym, maybe you should go too... how long are you staying? i'm going to boil vegetables for you to eat from now on
me: am i really THAT fat?
pa wieng: *taking out old pictures
me: ok... maybe just a little ka

The worst thing about being in Thailand? Coming home to a closet full of haute couture clothes I can't fit into anymore. One of my girlfriends came over earlier this morning, and asked if she could have some of my clothes because I can't wear them anymore. WTF?! I'm making it my life's chore to going back to my normal weight of 55kg... even if it means eating only rice and beans everyday. Fuck, I'm going hysterical...

I'm supposed to meet up with people tonight in Ekamai. How will I get there when... I have a suspended driver's license, no access keys to the cars in the garage, the driver on holiday for the next week, and I don't do Thai taxis. Pick me up someone...

My two week schedule:

This weekend: Going to Lopburi for my cousin's monkhood ceremony... anyone wanna go with?

Upcoming week---

Mon, Tues: Ayutthaya -- visiting the grands. sightseeing of the Ancient City, and shopping
Wed: Shopping, Grand Palace, Night @ Q Bar's Ladies Night
Thurs: Silpakorn Uni and Chitlada School to visit old teachers;
Fri:

Next weekend: Sukothai---visiting an uncle at a monastery who is now a monk; Chatuchak Market--- finding bargains in the hot ass motherfucking son

Next week: Hua Hin

Dude... who else lives in the Sukhumvit area? Come out and play PS2 with me... I'm so bored.

All bitching aside, the best thing about coming home? Knowing my daddy loves me very much and didn't really sell my baby

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 16:15:39 GMT

Update: Wow. I have never been so FUCKING humiliated in my life. So this guy I know was hosting a "Chinese New Year" party, and didn't put "21+ over w/ID" onto the flier. And quite naturally, I didn't even think about it. So I get there, the conversation with the bouncer went like this:

bouncer: Can I see your ID?
me: Uhh, I didn't know you had to have any.
bouncer: Yeah, you need ID for this event.
me: Fuck, are you serious?
bouncer: Yes.
me: ((staring at the blowing wind outside)) Is it okay if I wait right here then? (waiting for my friends that were already there to leave from the dancefloor)
bouncer: ((nods)) Sure.

minutes later...

bouncer: Excuse me, are you waiting for someone to bring your ID?
me: No, I'm waiting for my friends to get out of here.
bouncer: Oh, you can't wait here then.
me: Why not? You just said I could.
bouncer: ((shakes head)) This is an establishment that sells alcohol, and you cannot be in here without proof of age.
me: That's fucking bullshit.
bouncer: Sorry, that's the way it goes.

I swear to God, this is why I HATE "the scene" in Seattle. Fuck. I have never ever ever been out to any party in my LIFE that subjected me to such humiliation. This is why I <3 Bangkok. This is why I like million-dollar parties. THIS is why I NEVER EVER GO OUT IN SEATTLE. I'm just too fucking used to my former lifestyle--people KNOW me, no such thing as a LINE, I'm an all-access VIP, I get pampered, I have my own table, . And I can ask people if they "KNOW who I am" if they get on my nerves--I have the authority to kick someone out. My daddy is much better than your daddy... for sure.

Fucking aye. Thank God, I'm going to be in my environment in two weeks. Even if it's only for two weeks, it's better than nothing. I need this recooperation. Superficial, materialistic, super bitchy me is going to come back with a vengeance... you better believe it.

FUCK Blackberry, I'm switching to Orange bitches.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 17:55:54 GMT

Europe: Through the Lens of My Shitty Camera

If there's anything I learned from my trip, it's that Italian men, no matter where they are born, are all psychotic.

Ze eX.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 22:39:51 GMT

I miss...

...dropping 20 g's on shopping in a day.
...wearing Dior suits.
...sitting vip next to the catwalk.
...being 60 lbs. lighter.
...living in 100F weather.
...being pampered.
...staring at 500 pairs of shoes that I don't like.
...wearing outfits that cost more than my car.
...having a car.
...having a nice car.
...having a nice German car.
...having a nice German car that was special edition.
...our random talks while grocery shopping.
...his lectures when I take 3-hour lunches.
...the sound of his snores from his bedroom when I'm sleeping in the guest house.
...when he used to put band aids on my knees after I fell down.
...him asking me if I have enough money.
...him asking me if I need anymore new clothes.
...spending time with him, and telling him how he was the best daddy in the world.

Yet, I knew I did it for a reason. And a good reason it was.

Thanks Matt, for reminding me how much it sucks being cut off... bastard.

*sigh

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 06:04:46 GMT

update 2: Wow. I should've known. I am so fucking disgusted...

update:

mood: giddy
spinning: sexy back - justin timberlake

I know my religion. Do you know yours?

So you say you're Christian, yet you hate Judas for killing Jesus. Ha.

Think about it, you dumbfuck. Judas was part of the divine plan, and I'll tell you why. Had Judas NOT rat Jesus out, we--including the Pope--would all be screwed into eternal damnation because he wouldn't have died for us. Christians fundamentally believe in The Holy Trinity: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. In otherwords, Christians believe in the divinity of those three entities. That said, if you really believed Judas killed Jesus, then you essentially believe Jesus was not divine because the act of killing can only be brought upon those who are mortal, correct?

So before you mouth off about why you hate Judas and how the Passion of the Christ was such a great, yet sad movie I advise you to read The Book, bitch.
Thanks.

Fashion Faux

Remove the sticker before you wear them, bitch.

I haven't felt this way in so long.

He makes me feel so giddy... I like it... I like him.

He's.... my Superman.

P.S. I hate George W. Bush for driving the value of our currency lower and lower each day. I hope he dies soon. Fucking piece of shit president that does nothing for the betterment of this country, but raise the debt, kill off the military, torture prisoners, violate every agreement we've ever signed, tell gays what to do with their lives, evoking Christian fanaticism, blow up two countries that only had rocks and sand in the first place, and we don't even get a fucking break at the gas station!

George W. Bush is reversing positive developmental evolution.

Fuck this. I'm moving to Canada...

Okie dokie santokie... that is all

People say I should watch what I say... why? Am I not entitled to the freedom of speech? A right--not privilege--that I have been given as a natural-born citizen of this country. If I get arrested for posting shit like this on the INTERNET---then, this country really has gone to the shits. Fuck. Pissed off.

For Sale

Chanel skis from Winter 2002 collection - $800 / original retail: $3000+
Prada 2006 Daino Vitello handbag - $900 / original retail: $1200.00
Burberry 2004 slingback sandals - navy blue leather, 1/2 inch heel - $45.00 / original retail: $240.00
Gucci 2006 half-horsebit sandals (low, 1 inch) - cognac - $240.00 / original retail: $428.00
Gucci 2006 spring cruise cream moccasin pump (4-inches) - $300 / original retail: $498.00
Dior 2005 jacquard monogram logo sandals (3 inches) - $240 / original retail: $320.00
Chanel 2005 black and white tweed with gold/swarovski camelia clasp pouchette - $1,200 / original retail: $3,300

All shoes have been worn less than 5 times, comes with original dust bag(s), and original box. Skis have been used on half a trip in Japan - shipping is $250 from Bangkok. The Chanel pouchette is practically new--I've used it once at an opera gala - comes with dustbag, original box, and cards. Purchased from Chanel - Bangkok, Barneys New York - Seattle, Nordstrom - Seattle, Gucci.com, Dior - eluxury.com, and Chanel - Seattle.

Let me know if you're interested in anything.

Pictures posted later tonight.