Feelings that I've locked up in the back of my mind somehow always find its way back to haunt me in my sleep. I lied restless in bed last night, thinking of what we had, what we didn't have, and what we could've had. I don't blame you for what happened between us. It was entirely my fault.
In the beginning, I thought you were a game, that you weren't real, and I wouldn't actually like you. In the end though, I did. You're an amazing person, and I totally fell for you. I was able to be myself with you. I could joke with you, laugh with you, and didn't have to hide anything. I felt so comfortable around you. Your laugh was infectious, and made my days go by happier. You made me feel secure, inspired me to love life, and know there were better things in this world than Dior shoes and Chanel purses. Most importantly, you made me realize being me was okay too.
It's been 5 years, and as happy as I am to have the opportunity to know you again, what happened between us then still lingers in my mind. Quite honestly, I don't want to disappoint you again. I know I betrayed your trust, and you could never trust me to be honest with you again. Thus, I think it's best if we end things here...
This is my guess about u so far. You play the girl who doesn't need the guy etc. But when you are with a guy you become obsessed. he loses interest. U've been hurt in the past. Correct?
To be honest, what he said to me bothered me more than I thought it would. I've been awake for an hour now... rolling around between my sheets, thinking of all the possible comebacks I could respond with. Contemplating, back and forth, whether he was right or not. I am restless and my head is pounding, like someone just took a blow-horn to my ear, repeating those words to me over and over again.
It surprises me that I actually care. I care about what he said to me, and we don't even know each other! Is it my own insecurity? Could he perhaps be right? No, he has to be wrong, or is he? I'm not like that anymore... at least I don't think so. But if he sees it, is it true? Rationalizing his words made my head spin even more. I really wanted to just drop the subject entirely, but I thought if I was so bothered by his words, I should spend more time figuring out why.
I don't need a man. I repeat, I do NOT need a man. I am at a point in my life where I am extremely busy with work and school. I work 10 hours a day, and take classes four days a week. I spend most of my off-time studying or sleeping, and the occasional shopping. I don't have the time to be in a relationship with anyone. I have enough friends, and don't feel the need to want more. People I meet now are merely acquaintances, and serve only as a stepping stone to what I want to achieve in the future. I know it sounds terrible, but it's true. However, this doesn't mean I'm entirely closed to meeting new people and potentially making new friends. It's just, with the little time I have, I don't want to invest time in building a friendship when in the end, I might turn out to be that shitty friend.
I've been in love with the same man for the past two years. Some people would refer to this as an obsession. I have never felt this way about anyone before in my life. I've loved many times, and had my heart broken even more, but never a love as deep as this. What I feel is overwhelming. Overwhelming in both good and bad ways, and for the first time, my feelings are pure. I am not vindictive or vengeful. I am not selfish, or jealous of the other women in his life. I am content with our friendship, and I say that without hesitation. I realize the logic behind my love for him is the same logic that explains why he doesn't return my feelings: it's just the way it is. Would you call that an obsession though? Is loving someone so much that you want the best for them in every possible way so wrong? Is it wrong that I care, that I love to shower him with affection, show him how he is the center of my universe, to let him know that I will be there to support him when everything goes wrong. Maybe he's right though. Maybe it is wrong. After all, obsession is technically considered a disorder.
In the end, I cared about what he said because I felt misunderstood. He assumed I behaved a certain way without even fully knowing me. I can't blame him though. That's what happens with brief first impressions. I wonder what sort of satisfaction, if any, he received from trying to figure me out. What hurt most weren't the actual words, but the fact that deep down inside, I believe he truly meant what he said... and it's just not me.
I guess I owe everyone a REAL entry... it's been a while.
It's kind of, and I repeat KIND OF, refreshing that even after leaving the "scene" for a long time now, I still get stalked by stupid girls who don't have the audacity to just ask me what's going on in my life. Yes, the alternative has been stalking me on Facebook and MySpace. I sign into my MySpace account and receive 4 messages from 3 girls I don't even know. What the fuck?! Are people seriously so bored with their own lives that they would just stalk other girls... yes, thanks for Googling me, bitch. Seriously... stalking is the utmost, highest form of flattery to me.
ANYWAY---some weird chiq somehow thought I was seeing "her man". Umm, yeah... usually when you call someone your "man", wouldn't you think you'd have to be their girlfriend first? I am so confused right now. Well, if you think we're a couple, and you're sending me immature messages about it, I might as well just make your nightmare come true. For your sake, I am in a relationship with a mystery man... your "man"?
The Nice Guy's Burden
What, exactly, is a Nice Guy? I'm not exactly sure I could tell you. There's no occupation or glaring trait that screams to the world, "I'm nice!" Quite to the contrary: it's the lack of flashy showiness that is an integral part of being a Nice Guy.
Think back to the last time you were depressed. Think back on whom all you talked to. Think of the guy who you bitched to about your problems and your life. Think of who gave you a shoulder to cry on, a story of reassurance, a sounding board to bounce scenarios off of. If he listened well, heard you out, and gave sound advice back - especially if he focused on your specific situation, not something from his life or vague, general platitudes - then he was probably a Nice Guy.
Being a Nice Guy is more an ideology than any action alone can encompass. It's hard to explain. Nice Guys are into chivalry. Nice Guys offer their bus seats to elderly and disabled passengers. Nice Guys talk emotions. Nice Guys value genuine friendliness over vapid flirtiness. Nice Guys have compassion. Nice Guys value honesty, even when it hurts them. Nice Guys have integrity. Nice Guys are there when you need them, but aren't in the way when you don't. Nice Guys work and play well with others. Nice Guys don't hit on chicks. Nice Guys don't call women 'chicks'. Nice Guys listen when you need to talk to someone. Nice Guys are amiable when you want someone to talk back. Nice Guys are, to the best of their abilities, fair, giving, open, and helpful. In a nutshell: Nice Guys are - well, nice. I don't know how else to put it.
I was browsing my subscriptions pages for stuff to read, and came upon a quiz called "Could You Ever Date a Nice Guy?
The results: No offense, but you have no intention of being with a nice guy. The reason you attract hurtful guys... is because you are a hurtful girl. Any truly nice guy should stay away from you because you would just chew them up and spit them out. The good news is, you wouldn't know a nice guy if he fell into your lap. Which is fine because you would only use and abuse him... then dump him for being weak. Stick to the jerks... just remember, hurt them before they hurt you.
How insulting... ugh! I sincerely believe that I've reached the point in my life where I am no longer interested in chasing assholes... no matter how amazing the sex is. Honest to God, every relationship I ever had was with an asshole--to some degree--and I hated it. It was just too much, and perhaps that's why I've been single for two years... all of my anger, hurt, sadness, and hate has built up inside me, and it has made me so bitter that I no longer want to leap anymore. It does hurt to feel this way, but then the memories all come back---their spontaneous emotional outbursts, the hitting, screaming, my bitching and nagging, the intrusion into my space, putting down my feelings, and... more importantly, the lack of respect I had for myself by staying in the relationship because I failed to realize that I was the only one that wanted to "work things out".
Then one question comes to mind, had I played "the game" would it have worked out? Or was I just the pushover in the relationship, and everything that happened was really because I was just too giving, too caring and loving. But was it really so wrong of me to do so much for him even though he never gave anything back in return? And my answer would be no. When I fall for someone, their happiness is mine, and I would do things just to see them happy... without anything in return...
It's kind of... weird, but it's refreshing... he's a sweetheart.
*sigh I need to find myself a nice guy... I'm tired of chasing assholes.
Anyway, the "nice guy" got me into watching Entourage, and now I'm spending my time catching up on all the previous seasons.
Ari Gold... is absolutely the type of guy I fall for...
brilliant
ambitious
conniving
anal
blunt
sarcastic
alpha-asshole-male
Actually... Ari Gold is a like a cracked out version of the last guy I was chasing, and all of my exes combined...
Example: One of my exes who was a Ford model
sent me nude pictures of himself to my phone after we broke up for the
second time. Subject line: Look at what you just
threw away, bitch...
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