Feelings that I've locked up in the back of my mind somehow always find its way back to haunt me in my sleep. I lied restless in bed last night, thinking of what we had, what we didn't have, and what we could've had. I don't blame you for what happened between us. It was entirely my fault.
In the beginning, I thought you were a game, that you weren't real, and I wouldn't actually like you. In the end though, I did. You're an amazing person, and I totally fell for you. I was able to be myself with you. I could joke with you, laugh with you, and didn't have to hide anything. I felt so comfortable around you. Your laugh was infectious, and made my days go by happier. You made me feel secure, inspired me to love life, and know there were better things in this world than Dior shoes and Chanel purses. Most importantly, you made me realize being me was okay too.
It's been 5 years, and as happy as I am to have the opportunity to know you again, what happened between us then still lingers in my mind. Quite honestly, I don't want to disappoint you again. I know I betrayed your trust, and you could never trust me to be honest with you again. Thus, I think it's best if we end things here...
I guess I owe everyone a REAL entry... it's been a while.
It's kind of, and I repeat KIND OF, refreshing that even after leaving the "scene" for a long time now, I still get stalked by stupid girls who don't have the audacity to just ask me what's going on in my life. Yes, the alternative has been stalking me on Facebook and MySpace. I sign into my MySpace account and receive 4 messages from 3 girls I don't even know. What the fuck?! Are people seriously so bored with their own lives that they would just stalk other girls... yes, thanks for Googling me, bitch. Seriously... stalking is the utmost, highest form of flattery to me.
ANYWAY---some weird chiq somehow thought I was seeing "her man". Umm, yeah... usually when you call someone your "man", wouldn't you think you'd have to be their girlfriend first? I am so confused right now. Well, if you think we're a couple, and you're sending me immature messages about it, I might as well just make your nightmare come true. For your sake, I am in a relationship with a mystery man... your "man"?
The Nice Guy's Burden
What, exactly, is a Nice Guy? I'm not exactly sure I could tell you. There's no occupation or glaring trait that screams to the world, "I'm nice!" Quite to the contrary: it's the lack of flashy showiness that is an integral part of being a Nice Guy.
Think back to the last time you were depressed. Think back on whom all you talked to. Think of the guy who you bitched to about your problems and your life. Think of who gave you a shoulder to cry on, a story of reassurance, a sounding board to bounce scenarios off of. If he listened well, heard you out, and gave sound advice back - especially if he focused on your specific situation, not something from his life or vague, general platitudes - then he was probably a Nice Guy.
Being a Nice Guy is more an ideology than any action alone can encompass. It's hard to explain. Nice Guys are into chivalry. Nice Guys offer their bus seats to elderly and disabled passengers. Nice Guys talk emotions. Nice Guys value genuine friendliness over vapid flirtiness. Nice Guys have compassion. Nice Guys value honesty, even when it hurts them. Nice Guys have integrity. Nice Guys are there when you need them, but aren't in the way when you don't. Nice Guys work and play well with others. Nice Guys don't hit on chicks. Nice Guys don't call women 'chicks'. Nice Guys listen when you need to talk to someone. Nice Guys are amiable when you want someone to talk back. Nice Guys are, to the best of their abilities, fair, giving, open, and helpful. In a nutshell: Nice Guys are - well, nice. I don't know how else to put it.
I was browsing my subscriptions pages for stuff to read, and came upon a quiz called "Could You Ever Date a Nice Guy?
The results: No offense, but you have no intention of being with a nice guy. The reason you attract hurtful guys... is because you are a hurtful girl. Any truly nice guy should stay away from you because you would just chew them up and spit them out. The good news is, you wouldn't know a nice guy if he fell into your lap. Which is fine because you would only use and abuse him... then dump him for being weak. Stick to the jerks... just remember, hurt them before they hurt you.
How insulting... ugh! I sincerely believe that I've reached the point in my life where I am no longer interested in chasing assholes... no matter how amazing the sex is. Honest to God, every relationship I ever had was with an asshole--to some degree--and I hated it. It was just too much, and perhaps that's why I've been single for two years... all of my anger, hurt, sadness, and hate has built up inside me, and it has made me so bitter that I no longer want to leap anymore. It does hurt to feel this way, but then the memories all come back---their spontaneous emotional outbursts, the hitting, screaming, my bitching and nagging, the intrusion into my space, putting down my feelings, and... more importantly, the lack of respect I had for myself by staying in the relationship because I failed to realize that I was the only one that wanted to "work things out".
Then one question comes to mind, had I played "the game" would it have worked out? Or was I just the pushover in the relationship, and everything that happened was really because I was just too giving, too caring and loving. But was it really so wrong of me to do so much for him even though he never gave anything back in return? And my answer would be no. When I fall for someone, their happiness is mine, and I would do things just to see them happy... without anything in return...
It's kind of... weird, but it's refreshing... he's a sweetheart.
*sigh I need to find myself a nice guy... I'm tired of chasing assholes.
Anyway, the "nice guy" got me into watching Entourage, and now I'm spending my time catching up on all the previous seasons.
Ari Gold... is absolutely the type of guy I fall for...
brilliant
ambitious
conniving
anal
blunt
sarcastic
alpha-asshole-male
Actually... Ari Gold is a like a cracked out version of the last guy I was chasing, and all of my exes combined...
Example: One of my exes who was a Ford model
sent me nude pictures of himself to my phone after we broke up for the
second time. Subject line: Look at what you just
threw away, bitch...
What has happened since I last blogged in this piece of shit?
I finally got my ass to pay $25 to get back my Xanga Premium. Boy, do I miss blogging. I almost forgot how much fun it was... work is consuming my life... and I am just soooo off beat in my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I went to church for the first time in eons, and found myself in tears after singing some praises... goodness... deep down inside, my heart wants to believe the truth that JC brought to this world, but my MIND and REALITY tell me that... it's all BS. *sigh Whatever... I don't know... perhaps if I ran towards the Church, I would find an inner peace I haven't had in a long time...
Now that I've gotten older, life has changed tremendously from the once drama fun-filled and carefree lifestyle. I am now: a broke ass 23 year old with a mediocre job that eats too much in the most depressing city in America. Haha, okay... my life isn't THAT awful, but I can attest that it is very much different from what it used to be.
The past year has truly been both a blessing and tough spoonful of medicine to swallow. Family life has gotten complicated. The relationship between my father and I has come to the point where I can't talk about anything meaningful in my life to him because he would just come back at me with a "...well Buddha said..." blah blah blah. Everything is so religious with him, it drives me insane. I love my daddy so much, but sometimes his overly zealous religious behavior worries me. I mean, wouldn't it worry you too if your own daddy thought that he could separate his soul from his body and have like... meet ups with strangers who could do the same in foreign countries? *sigh I guess I should be happy for him--religion gives him emotional bliss. I know how much of a burden I've been on him emotionally, and it's only natural for him to worry about me, but fuck... I'm old damnit.
Anyway, I am still shopping, nonetheless... the part of me that hasn't changed. Here are some items I picked up for this Fall:
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